‘They were justifying his actions’: what women say about men’s behaviour change programs

Thousands of men who use violence are referred every year to men’s behaviour change programs. Sometimes this attendance is ordered by a court, other times it is voluntary. The hope is this will result in program attendance (although that is not always guaranteed), promote perpetrator accountability and, ultimately, increase the safety of women and children.

Unfortunately, program attendance is low and while researchers have tried again and again to answer the question of whether these programs work, it is still not clear.

Referrals have continued anyway, so my colleagues and I decided to ask a new question. We invited nine Victorian women to talk in-depth about their experience of their partner being referred to a men’s behaviour change program.

We wanted to know: what was that like for these women? What meaning did they make of it?

This new study, published recently in the journal Violence Against Women, found the referral period can ignite for women an emotional firestorm characterised by hope, blame, being judged and, eventually, a sense of indignation.

How did women initially react?

Initially after their partner or ex-partner was referred to a men’s behaviour change program, the women were desperate to know if the type of family life they hoped for was something they would ever experience with their partner.

As Fiona* recalled:

I thought if it can help – this was when he sort of had me bluffed – if it’s going to work, go for it because the explosions were too big. And if he could control himself and think of what he says, pull his head in, if it can work then we can be a family. I was hoping.

The women were initially generally intensely hopeful, even though they hadn’t seen any evidence before to suggest their partners would change.

Janet said:

When we were together and I used to say, “We need to go and get help; we need to go and talk to someone”, he would say, “No.” He would yell in my face and tell me to “eff off” and “mind my own business” and that he didn’t have a problem; I was the problem.

This hopefulness motivated many women to stay in relationships with their partner or to support his access to their children.

The attention men’s behaviour change programs have received over the years seems to have fuelled a belief the programs could bring meaningful change.

As Rose put it:

the men’s behavioural change program is big-noted so much, like it’s oh you know, “It’s a great way for the men to realise what they’ve done and move on.” And it doesn’t do that.

Did their actual experiences match expectations?

The short answer is no.

The women we spoke to described being blamed by family, friends and workers for their partner or ex now having to attend the program. Meera recalled being told:

You are just ruining your marriage because now you have involved the police, so whatever happens to you that is your consequence because you chose to do that.

Many of the men resisted the suggestion they were “perpetrators” who needed to change. Some men contrasted themselves with others in the men’s behaviour change programs.

As Erin put it:

There’s always someone worse, and that’s how they are justifying themselves.

Other men reportedly gained support for their behaviour from men in the program. Paige said:

He would come home and tell me that the group agreed with him that the kids were at fault. That if the kids wouldn’t do what they did, then he wouldn’t lose his temper and he wouldn’t have to hit ’em […] So it was like they were justifying his actions.

Some women also battled with uncertainty around whether what they had experienced actually was family violence.

If their partner was a “perpetrator” did that make them a “victim survivor”? And if so, what did that mean for them and how they saw themselves?

A sense of indignation

For many of the women, the fact their partner or ex ended up being referred to a men’s behaviour change program helped inspire moments of validation.

It helped them believe with confidence that their partners’ behaviour was actually family violence; that it was unacceptable and unwarranted, and it was he who needed to change.

As the women came to terms with the reality of their partners’ behaviour and his resistance to change, the women began responding with indignation. Jane recalled that:

I said: “You’ve hurt a lot of people” and I said: “You’re not taking ownership.”

What’s next?

In the end, encouraging women to simply respond with indignation is not the answer. This would just continue the age-old practice of placing sole responsibility on women for the violence they face.

One action we can all take is supporting victim-survivors to identify that what they’re experiencing may actually constitute family violence, and question whether they believe those behaviours to be acceptable.

This new study also stresses the need for family violence and domestic violence services in the community to consider the implications a men’s behaviour change program referral has for everyone.

We must question who is intended to benefit when a man is referred to these programs, whether or not it actually eventuates into program attendance.

*Names have been changed to protect identities.