6 ways to talk to your teens about sex without the cringe

Parents play an important role in teaching their children about sex and relationships. But our new report shows many parents – fathers in particular – find it mortifying.

Our national survey of 1,918 parents shows they are most likely to be very confident talking with children about body image (45%) and puberty (38%) and least confident talking about masturbation (12%) or sexual satisfaction (13%).

Mothers are more likely than fathers to start discussions about sex (32.3% vs 23.9%).

Our survey confirms the most common barriers to discussing sex with children are children feeling uncomfortable or refusing to engage. But parents are uncomfortable too, fearing they’ll say the wrong thing, and not knowing how to start the conversation.

But if a teenager knows their parents are up for non-judgemental discussions about sex, they’ll be more likely to share what is happening in their lives, ask questions and seek help when they need it.

Here’s how to start those discussions, even if you feel awkward.

Our top tips for talking about sex

1. Start when children are young. “The sex talk” is not one single conversation. Parents should aim to open the door to ongoing, age-appropriate dialogue about issues related to bodies, reproduction and puberty when children are young. Even children under five should be learning about their bodies and the basics of reproduction.

Starting conversations when kids are young will make it easier to continue into the teenage years. But it’s never too late. Children will benefit from parents engaging with them on these issues at any age.

2. Find everyday opportunities to ask questions. Television, movies and radio mention sex and relationships all the time.

For instance, issues relating to young people viewing pornography or the impact of social media are regular features on the news. Use these opportunities to ask teenagers what they understand, know or think. Show interest in your teenager’s opinion and ask questions about how this portrayal fits with their experiences or that of their friends.

The conversation doesn’t need to lead to a specific message or outcome. The purpose is to talk and listen.

3. Try not to lead with what not to do. Telling a young person not to have sex or watch pornography is unlikely to stop them doing it and may shut down future conversation. Many young people become sexually active from around 15 to 17 years of age and a majority have viewed pornography at least once by this age.

The best we can do is support them to think carefully and critically about what they need to stay safe. Let them know you can help with things such as finding a good doctor if they need advice on contraception or sexual health care.

4. Tell your teenagers stories about yourself. Young people don’t always appreciate being reminded their parents were once teenagers, but they might be interested in a story about your first relationship, first kiss or an embarrassing date. Showing your own vulnerability may help open dialogue on these topics.

If you aren’t comfortable telling stories about yourself, perhaps tell stories you have read or heard about in the news.

5. Own your embarrassment. It is hard to talk about intimate or embarrassing topics. For some people even saying the word “masturbation” is uncomfortable, let alone speaking with children or teenagers about it.

Keeping it light and being prepared to laugh at your own awkwardness can help break the ice for both you and your teenager.

6. Do some reading and practise talking about it. Most of us don’t have a lot of experience talking intimately about sex or relationships. Do some research on topics you would like to speak with your teenagers about and then have a chat to your partner or a friend about it.

The aim is to get more comfortable talking about things we don’t often talk about. You don’t have to be an expert, you just have to give it a go.

Will talking about sex encourage my child to do it?

Parents are often told they need to be “sex positive” when talking to teenagers about sex. This doesn’t mean avoiding talking about risks and responsibilities. Rather, it means holding the perspective that, in the right circumstances, sex can be a safe, enjoyable and positive part of a young person’s life.

Talking about sex will not encourage a young person to have sex before they are ready.

Teaching young people about sexual consent relies on valuing pleasure. If someone can understand, and articulate, what they like and want, they will be in a stronger position to assert what they do not want. Young people should be encouraged to tune into what they, and their partner, enjoy and value when it comes to sex.

Sexual health messages for young people often focus on dangers and negative outcomes. It can be easy to forget that sex education should also be about supporting young people to have safe and enjoyable sex when they are ready. Parents play a key role in delivering this message.

Talk soon. Talk often: A guide for parents to talk to their kids about sex helps parents judge age-appropriate information and how to talk about it.