I hate it when other adults ‘parent’ my kids. What can I do?

Long weekends often bring family and friends together in a mix of generations.

Somewhere between the egg hunt and hot cross buns this weekend, there might be a moment where another adult steps in to “parent” your child in ways that don’t sit well with you. Maybe they are too sharp or too bossy. Or it’s just not how you do things.

These situations are often less about those involved “behaving badly” and more about emotions running high. This goes for kids and adults.

What can you do about it?

What’s going on?

It can be uncomfortable when a friend or relative uses a harsh tone, gives orders or disciplines your child in a way that feels too strong.

Often, this taps into something deeper. Many of us were raised with more punitive or directive parenting styles, and we can feel triggered seeing those approaches repeated with our own children.

At the same time, gatherings can lead to sensory overload. Noise, excitement, sugar and disrupted routines can push everyone closer to their limits. This is especially so for children, who are still developing emotional regulation.

What can you do?

If another adult steps in with your child in a way you don’t like, you can gently enter the interaction – rather than directly confront the other adult in the moment.

It can help to move physically closer, make eye contact, and gently touch your child with a warm smile. This allows you to take the lead without escalating tension. You might say to your child:

Hey, it’s getting loud – let’s step outside for a minute.

Later, if needed, you can have a quiet word with the relative. Try to keep it collaborative rather than critical. For example,

We’re trying to help Lily learn to calm down rather than just tell her to stop yelling. So I usually talk it through with her.

Framing it as your approach (rather than their mistake) reduces defensiveness.

When you’re with someone else’s child

Sometimes you might find yourself needing to respond to a child who isn’t yours. Perhaps they’re grabbing toys, yelling or about to knock over the dessert table. The key here is to focus on providing guidance through giving clear direction.

Instead of jumping straight to commands or corrections, aim for calm and descriptive responses without judgement. For example:

Oops! That was close. Let’s move away from the table.

Looks like you’re really excited, let’s keep the noise a bit lower inside.

I can’t let you throw that, it might hurt someone. Let’s find something else to do.

This aligns with the “emotion coaching” approach to parenting. This acknowledges a child’s feeling/s while setting a clear limit. If the child’s parent is nearby, it’s usually best to loop them in rather than take over.

Hey, just letting you know Poppy is climbing on the table.

This keeps boundaries clear and respects the parent’s role. When you do need to step in (for reasons of safety or respect), keep your tone calm and your language simple.

Avoid shaming the child or raising your voice as this can escalate the situation and undermine the child’s sense of safety, especially when they’re already overstimulated.

What to keep in mind

Get-togethers with friends and family are fun but rarely perfect. Children can experience some big emotions. They can feel left out, disappointed, overwhelmed or overexcited. Adults get triggered and parenting styles differ. During these times, try and hold onto a few core ideas.

• Behaviour is communication about children’s underlying emotions, needs and regulatory capacities. This is especially so during high-stimulation events. When children become wild or have meltdowns, it’s a sign they may be overstimulated, emotionally overwhelmed or hungry. So they need a break, a different activity, co-regulation (where the parent uses warmth and empathy to create calm) or food.

• Our own reactions are shaped by our past experiences and current capacity. Being aware of this can help us respond in a more measured way and step in to support our child.

• Calm, respectful guidance is more effective than harsh correction – whether it’s your child or someone else’s.

If things don’t go smoothly, check in with your child afterwards about their feelings. Or smooth things over with the relative. In the end, the goal isn’t perfect parenting over the long weekend – it’s staying connected, even in the messy moments.