What’s the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown?
- Written by The Conversation
If you live with young children, there’s a good chance you’ve been on the receiving end of a child yelling, screaming, crying, throwing or hitting things.
But how do parents know what is typical and age-related boundary pushing, what is a tantrum and what is a meltdown?
What’s the difference anyway?
What’s a tantrum?
In general, a tantrum is considered behavioural. The child has learned that the behaviour (like screaming or crying in defiant protest) can help them get what they want.
The behaviour may be a natural reaction for a child who is still learning how to regulate their emotions.
Sometimes, the outcome a child wants is a parent’s attention. So if a parent yells and negotiates with their child, this can reinforce tantrums and make them more likely in the future.
Once a child has obtained the desired outcome, the behaviour can decrease in the short term. But as the child has learned a tantrum is an effective way to get what they want, this may contribute to further tantrums in the long term.
What’s a meltdown?
A meltdown relates to having difficulty in regulating (usually distressing) emotions. We may still see the same types of behaviours and emotional outbursts as those in a tantrum. But a dysregulated child in a meltdown typically cannot de-escalate quickly, and offering a desired outcome is of little comfort.
Usually, a meltdown happens because a child’s brain is overwhelmed, overloaded or under-resourced (for instance, if they are tired, hungry and don’t have skills to stay regulated). Their nervous system kicks into an “out of control” state of emotional dysregulation. In this situation, their brain is not yet able to learn, engage in rational discussion, or meaningfully apologise.
Sometimes behaviours start as tantrums, quickly spiral into a feeling of being emotionally out of control, before a shift to “meltdown”.
This can be especially relevant for children who are neurodevelopmentally divergent, such as autistic children or children with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), who may have less capacity to regulate their emotions.
How to react?
Dealing with tantrums and meltdowns involves parents being responsive, and labelling and understanding their child’s emotions.
Empathy is the key to defusing big emotions and strengthening relationships. An empathetic response allows your child to feel connected to an understanding parent, which can de-escalate a conflict.
For instance, if your child is crying and yelling after you tell them to power off the iPad before dinner, you might say:
I can see you were enjoying watching that. It’s really tricky to stop doing something we like, like watching Bluey. I struggle to switch off my favourite show, too. But, it is time for dinner, so we will turn off the iPad now.
How we hold boundaries is also important. For example, you might respond to a meltdown that includes hitting or throwing things with:
You are allowed to be upset but you are not allowed to hurt me, hurt yourself, or our house.
Not all behaviour is dangerous – such as swearing, using a silly voice, or using toilet-talk (saying things like “poo”). So it’s OK to pick your battles and ignore those behaviours by looking or turning away and not responding.
However, if you are worried your child might harm themselves or someone else – perhaps by running away, or climbing on a table – an appropriate reaction is to ensure physical safety and say:
It is my job to help you keep your body safe, so I’m going to help you make a safe choice.
What not to do
Being harsh to yourself or worrying about strangers judging your parenting won’t help end the tantrum or meltdown any quicker.
Distracting your child is rarely effective while a tantrum or meltdown is happening. This might even give children the impression they should avoid their feelings.
Decades of research has also shown using forms of physical punishment such as smacking does not deter problematic behaviour, and contributes to worsening mental health in the short and long term.
How about preventing tantrums and meltdowns?
We cannot avoid tantrums or meltdowns entirely. Having intense emotions is part of normal child development. It is also not possible to always respond perfectly. Trying to meet your child’s needs for connection and boundary setting most of the time is “good enough”.
But praising appropriate behaviour is the key preventative buffer against tantrums and meltdowns. You can also admire the unique and special qualities in your child.
Both increase the quality of your relationship, let your child know what types of behaviour are appropriate, and makes them feel good about themselves – and you.
Are you overwhelmed?
Having patience for children having a tantrum or meltdown while their brain develops can be a challenge. But in the short term, you can be empathetic towards your child and yourself by saying:
My child is learning, and so am I.
For a longer-term perspective, say:
This is a phase.
If you feel overwhelmed, quick strategies can mean the difference between responding with empathy and boundaries, or reacting with accidental reinforcement, such as yelling or giving in. Try:
taking a few deep, slow breaths
counting to five before reacting
taking a break – make a cup of tea, get a drink of water
checking if you are tired, hungry, or have an unmet need
saying nothing if you have nothing nice to say
labelling your own feelings, and describing what you are going to do to calm down.
Read more https://theconversation.com/whats-the-difference-between-a-tantrum-and-a-meltdown-245762
